I've had a baby! I could not be happier, she is a perfect bundle of soft, gorgeous loveliness. However this post is about my pregnancy, I'll get on to birth and the immediate aftermath in another post along with one about actually being a real Mummy another day.
One day, sat in a staff briefing about a department restructure I got a migraine with an aura. Migraines were a regular occurrence (I've not had one since though and long may that continue) but not with an aura. In the moment that I popped my ever faithful pink migraleve tablets I wondered if it was due to me, maybe, being pregnant. I didn't do a test for another week or so, but I was indeed pregnant, it was the best reason for having a migraine I've ever had, although I can think of no other good reason to have one to be honest.
I was both elated and terrified in the same moment, I've known forever that I wanted children but who isn't at least a little terrified of bringing a new life into this less than perfect world? Another small problem was that I was hoping for a promotion at work and I didn't want to give them any reason to put a black mark against my name. I know, you can't discriminate, blah blah blah, but (sorry PC brigade) if I had two almost identical candidates but one was pregnant......well, I know who I'd choose.
The other issue that I struggled with was telling my stepchildren, it wasn't that I didn't want them to know, but I didn't want my other half's ex to know. It was nice to have something that just belonged to us two for a short time. Also, this was my first pregnancy, but wasn't for my other half, it made me sad that we weren't sharing it as a "first" for us both.
We told very close family and friends, but otherwise kept it quiet. I was lucky that I stayed small, for a long time you couldn't tell, unless you knew. The recruitment process at work was painfully slow but I desperately wanted the promotion, not for the money, I truly loved the job and I just couldn't let anything stop me getting it. When I was finally offered the job I let out the breath I'd been holding for 24 weeks and told my boss. He was over the moon for me, as was his boss, and it wasn't an issue in the slightest. Yes, they are pretty awesome and I probably shouldn't have worried, but I did.
We told the stepkids on Christmas Day, I thought it may soften any shock for them if they had shiny new things to be distracted by when we told them. They were all fine about it, with the youngest only being worried about not knowing how to be a big brother. On Mothers Day, whilst I was up a ladder painting the nursery, I had a text from my stepdaughter "Happy first real Mothers Day" which was totally unexpected and made my day.
My pregnancy went smoothly, at each check up and scan we were told everything was normal. I enjoyed my growing bump, although found being slowed down slightly annoying, but feeling wiggles and kicks more than made up for that and the 100's of times I needed the loo! The bump was known as Lucy, when my youngest brother was born I remember my Dad calling from the hospital and me asking him if we could call him Lucy, so what else could I have called my bump! If you follow me on any form of social media you would have seen weekly updates of my growing belly too, sorry for all the spam, which has now of course turned into baby spam!
I adored preparing the nursery and buying all the things
we needed, I'd waited my entire life to be able to do it. I really struggled at points to share it all with my stepchildren and I honestly tried my best to do so, but when the youngest "tried out the cot to see how comfy it was" I cried myself to sleep. It probably sounds stupid to most of you, but to me it felt like I couldn't have anything that was just our child's, that it would always have to be shared.
Even my other half's ex was fine, at one point she even practically asked to touch my bump. The answer was no, sorry that's just a bit too weird for me. We get on fine, but we're not mates and I even had an issue with most of my mates wanting to touch, never mind my other half's ex wife! I sometimes had to stop myself from moving away when my stepchildren wanted to touch, not because I wanted exclude them, but because they were an ever present reminder that this wasn't a "first" with my partner and that always left me a little sad and still does.
I was loving my new job and decided to work right up to the last minute, well 10 days before my due date. My work colleagues looked after me brilliantly, forever stopping me from doing too much and making me cups of tea! But I think they all breathed a sigh of relief when I finally finished without giving birth in the office, I'll be back before they've had chance to miss me though.
Tuesday 11 October 2016
Thursday 4 February 2016
Anxiety
This isn't a stepmother post, so if that's what you're looking for I'd suggest you stop reading now.
Still here?
OK, let's go.
Anxiety, lots of people suffer from it in varying degrees and I'm one of them. If you know me you may well be surprised, I'm not an anxious person in general, I tend to go with a "fuck it, lets do it" attitude to most things and always follow my heart not my head! I'm also a very logical person and strongly believe in science and maths, factual based anything really, no mumbo jumbo, religion or fairy stories.
For the reasons above I struggle with my anxiety as I know it's not logical, not that I'm saying it's made up, I know it's not. But it is all in my head and because of that I should be able to deal with it, talk myself out of it, make myself better.
So far I've avoided even saying what my anxiety is, that's how stupid it sounds to me, it's a struggle to even tell anyone as, in my head, it's completely ridiculous!
Driving.
My anxiety is about driving. I can drive, I've held my licence for 14 years, I've never had a crash, not even as much as a bump. A tyre once blew up and almost rolled my car, but that's not when the anxiety started, my car breaking on me doesn't even enter my head.
Stupid, isn't it.
Anyway, this has been bugging me and only getting worse so I took the step last week to see a counsellor, it felt like a massive step to me as I'd have to actually tell someone! They'd laugh and think me a fool, tell their mates down the pub so they could laugh too, maybe shout it out the window so people on the street could laugh too. None of this happened, obviously.
He actually said it's really common anxiety to have and that the main thing I had to do was accept it, not try to figure it out or fight it. That once I accept it, then I can start to move on and improve it. So here I am blogging about it, to try and accept it, to stop hiding it and thinking I'm a freak because of it.
My anxiety stems from me starting to have dizzy spells - some years ago - which despite GP visits and all sorts of tests and monitors being fitted to me there was no explanation for. They were just "one of those things" and it was nothing to worry about. But it has happened a few times when I've been driving and it started to worry me, I could have a dizzy spell and loose control or pass out and crash injuring myself or others, or worse. From this I started to worry about having a dizzy spell when driving, which started to make me feel anxious, breathe shallower, faster, make my heart race. Basically making myself feel like I was going to have a dizzy spell and pass out, stupid, yes? I know!
I worried most on fast, busy roads, motorways, where I couldn't just pull over and stop. I've actually been in tears whilst driving, just through my own thoughts/anxiety around this, totally freaking out making myself dizzy and thinking I'm the only one like this! So slowly I've just stopped driving on motorways. Stopped driving much at all really, I don't need to drive on a daily basis so why put myself through the trauma? I know this is actually counter productive and is making my anxiety worse but I can't help it! The counsellor told me I'm not alone and he has seen 100's of people with similar anxiety issues. Made me feel slightly better, although he may have been lying.
He also asked me if I enjoyed driving. I don't, I never have really. It was a necessity to learn since I lived in the middle of nowhere. Now it's a necessity so I can get back to that middle of nowhere. Put me in my car on the roads in that middle of nowhere and I'm quite happy, I'll throw my car round the winding little roads like I'm in a rally. Plus I know I can just pull over and stop and ring my Dad to come rescue me if I need to!
I've never been a confident driver either and this was eroded more by my ex husband who would comment and question my driving at every opportunity even though he couldn't drive himself! My partner now is a very confident, quite aggressive driver and terrible passenger, which does nothing for my confidence in my own skills. Although really I know that I'm a perfectly good and safe driver. Talking of passengers, this makes my anxiety 100 times worse as I'm responsible for their safety as well as my own! Never ask me for a lift.
However, I have bought a new battery for my car (which is awaiting help from my ever suffering Dad to fit it) so I can get Erika (yes, my car has a name) back on the road and start to take myself out again, start to build my confidence and take some little steps back to being what I perceive to be "normal". Maybe one day I'll get myself back on the motorway and not have to take some ridiculous winding way back to that middle of nowhere, or maybe I'll just carry on with my scenic route and stop beating myself up about it. That would be a start.
Z x
Still here?
OK, let's go.
Anxiety, lots of people suffer from it in varying degrees and I'm one of them. If you know me you may well be surprised, I'm not an anxious person in general, I tend to go with a "fuck it, lets do it" attitude to most things and always follow my heart not my head! I'm also a very logical person and strongly believe in science and maths, factual based anything really, no mumbo jumbo, religion or fairy stories.
For the reasons above I struggle with my anxiety as I know it's not logical, not that I'm saying it's made up, I know it's not. But it is all in my head and because of that I should be able to deal with it, talk myself out of it, make myself better.
So far I've avoided even saying what my anxiety is, that's how stupid it sounds to me, it's a struggle to even tell anyone as, in my head, it's completely ridiculous!
Driving.
My anxiety is about driving. I can drive, I've held my licence for 14 years, I've never had a crash, not even as much as a bump. A tyre once blew up and almost rolled my car, but that's not when the anxiety started, my car breaking on me doesn't even enter my head.
Stupid, isn't it.
Anyway, this has been bugging me and only getting worse so I took the step last week to see a counsellor, it felt like a massive step to me as I'd have to actually tell someone! They'd laugh and think me a fool, tell their mates down the pub so they could laugh too, maybe shout it out the window so people on the street could laugh too. None of this happened, obviously.
He actually said it's really common anxiety to have and that the main thing I had to do was accept it, not try to figure it out or fight it. That once I accept it, then I can start to move on and improve it. So here I am blogging about it, to try and accept it, to stop hiding it and thinking I'm a freak because of it.
My anxiety stems from me starting to have dizzy spells - some years ago - which despite GP visits and all sorts of tests and monitors being fitted to me there was no explanation for. They were just "one of those things" and it was nothing to worry about. But it has happened a few times when I've been driving and it started to worry me, I could have a dizzy spell and loose control or pass out and crash injuring myself or others, or worse. From this I started to worry about having a dizzy spell when driving, which started to make me feel anxious, breathe shallower, faster, make my heart race. Basically making myself feel like I was going to have a dizzy spell and pass out, stupid, yes? I know!
I worried most on fast, busy roads, motorways, where I couldn't just pull over and stop. I've actually been in tears whilst driving, just through my own thoughts/anxiety around this, totally freaking out making myself dizzy and thinking I'm the only one like this! So slowly I've just stopped driving on motorways. Stopped driving much at all really, I don't need to drive on a daily basis so why put myself through the trauma? I know this is actually counter productive and is making my anxiety worse but I can't help it! The counsellor told me I'm not alone and he has seen 100's of people with similar anxiety issues. Made me feel slightly better, although he may have been lying.
He also asked me if I enjoyed driving. I don't, I never have really. It was a necessity to learn since I lived in the middle of nowhere. Now it's a necessity so I can get back to that middle of nowhere. Put me in my car on the roads in that middle of nowhere and I'm quite happy, I'll throw my car round the winding little roads like I'm in a rally. Plus I know I can just pull over and stop and ring my Dad to come rescue me if I need to!
I've never been a confident driver either and this was eroded more by my ex husband who would comment and question my driving at every opportunity even though he couldn't drive himself! My partner now is a very confident, quite aggressive driver and terrible passenger, which does nothing for my confidence in my own skills. Although really I know that I'm a perfectly good and safe driver. Talking of passengers, this makes my anxiety 100 times worse as I'm responsible for their safety as well as my own! Never ask me for a lift.
However, I have bought a new battery for my car (which is awaiting help from my ever suffering Dad to fit it) so I can get Erika (yes, my car has a name) back on the road and start to take myself out again, start to build my confidence and take some little steps back to being what I perceive to be "normal". Maybe one day I'll get myself back on the motorway and not have to take some ridiculous winding way back to that middle of nowhere, or maybe I'll just carry on with my scenic route and stop beating myself up about it. That would be a start.
Z x
Sunday 24 January 2016
The Ex
The ex, someone who you hope you'll never have to meet, never mind deal with on an almost daily basis but when you're a stepparent you don't really get a choice, they come with the package along with the kids.
Most people would throw a fit if they knew that their partner was in daily contact with their ex, it's something I, and every other stepparent, has to accept and live with.
I know my partner only contacts his ex about his kids, however, that doesn't always make it any easier to accept. She is still there. Not gone like an ex should be, relegated to the back of the mind in the "well that was a mistake" drawer and forgotten about. Never mind brought along into the next relationship.
As a stepparent you also probably have to meet and at least be civil to your partners ex, although you'd probably rather punch them in the mouth. I know some stepparents who have never met their partners ex, but that's not me and I actually think that would be worse. At least I know who she is and she knows me so there are no stories passing between the houses via the kids, no backstabbing or wondering or getting the kids to ask questions to get the measure of each other.
I actually get on ok with her, which is weird, we should hate each other. right? This year she actually text me on Mothers Day with "Happy Mothers Day, thanks for doing such a good job with the kids when I'm not there" That was definitely weird, but kind of in a nice weird way. At least she recognises that I'm doing my best for her kids even though I sometimes feel that she see's me as free childcare. We also text each other about arrangements for the kids and if there are any issues, missing shoes, nits, homework. I do it because it makes my life easier, I like to be organised and know what is going on in my own home and what to expect when the kids arrive.
Sometimes however it goes to far, like when she rang me, drunk, when my partner was in hospital and talked about us all being one big happy clappy family. That's not going to happen. Ex's are only present in a stepparent's life because of the kids, nothing more. As the kids become adults I expect her presence in my life to diminish, although I appreciate that she will always be there even if just on the edge.
In my ideal world, she wouldn't be there at all, no ex would be. Apart from to laugh about and wonder if you were actually mentally deranged during that period of your life.
So although you may hate or be jealous of your partners ex, just be thankful that you don't actually have to know them, speak to them or make small talk with them. By all means carry on facebook stalking them for your own entertainment but be thankful they're not actually part of your life.
Z x
Most people would throw a fit if they knew that their partner was in daily contact with their ex, it's something I, and every other stepparent, has to accept and live with.
I know my partner only contacts his ex about his kids, however, that doesn't always make it any easier to accept. She is still there. Not gone like an ex should be, relegated to the back of the mind in the "well that was a mistake" drawer and forgotten about. Never mind brought along into the next relationship.
As a stepparent you also probably have to meet and at least be civil to your partners ex, although you'd probably rather punch them in the mouth. I know some stepparents who have never met their partners ex, but that's not me and I actually think that would be worse. At least I know who she is and she knows me so there are no stories passing between the houses via the kids, no backstabbing or wondering or getting the kids to ask questions to get the measure of each other.
I actually get on ok with her, which is weird, we should hate each other. right? This year she actually text me on Mothers Day with "Happy Mothers Day, thanks for doing such a good job with the kids when I'm not there" That was definitely weird, but kind of in a nice weird way. At least she recognises that I'm doing my best for her kids even though I sometimes feel that she see's me as free childcare. We also text each other about arrangements for the kids and if there are any issues, missing shoes, nits, homework. I do it because it makes my life easier, I like to be organised and know what is going on in my own home and what to expect when the kids arrive.
Sometimes however it goes to far, like when she rang me, drunk, when my partner was in hospital and talked about us all being one big happy clappy family. That's not going to happen. Ex's are only present in a stepparent's life because of the kids, nothing more. As the kids become adults I expect her presence in my life to diminish, although I appreciate that she will always be there even if just on the edge.
In my ideal world, she wouldn't be there at all, no ex would be. Apart from to laugh about and wonder if you were actually mentally deranged during that period of your life.
So although you may hate or be jealous of your partners ex, just be thankful that you don't actually have to know them, speak to them or make small talk with them. By all means carry on facebook stalking them for your own entertainment but be thankful they're not actually part of your life.
Z x
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