My due date was 6th June 2016 and that day came and went, I'd finished for maternity leave the week before and started drinking raspberry leaf tea, eating pineapple and dates, walking as much as I could and bouncing on my birthing ball. On the 9th I went for a sweep, the midwife said she couldn't do it though as my cervix was only 1/2cm so that evening I went for a long walk/waddle with my other half as I was adamant I didn't want to be induced. I was adamant about a lot of things but more on that later.
I woke on the 10th with what felt like occasional mild period pains, I didn't really think anything about it until they carried on all morning. I decided that maybe I was in early labour, text my Mum and other half but told them not to worry and ran myself a bath. It was only at 4pm that the contractions picked up and started to get stronger and more regular. I rang the maternity unit and they said to stay at home until I was having 3 contractions within 10 mins, so far so good!
My OH was home by this time and started to time my contractions once they were at 3 every 10 mins, at about 8pm, he was ready to head to hospital. I remember actually saying "I expected it to hurt more" to him but off we went. I was assessed and as I'd expected, told to go home again as I wasn't in active labour. We decided to get ready for bed and try to get some sleep but by 10.30ish each contraction was too painful for me to even think about sleeping so off we went again to hospital.
I was once again assessed and told I wasn't in active labour but because I was too distressed (I was crying) to go home they agreed to send me up to the ward. We were taken to the ward waiting room, where we kind of expected to just be for a short time until there was a bed BUT this wasn't their plan, as I wasn't in active labour they just wanted us to wait, in the waiting room! I assume as punishment for not just going home but my OH was not amused in the slightest, and I'd kind of expected more than 2 paracetamol.
My OH complained and I was initially given a TENS machine to help with the pain - it did fuck all to help to be honest - and a codeine to go along with the paracetamol, but we were still asked to just stay in the waiting room. It was now around midnight and after some more complaining by my OH I was assessed again and told that if I wanted a bed my OH would have to go home and that I could have a shot of pethidine to allow me to get some sleep. We happily agreed to this as we were both shattered! The shot of pethidine worked, I still woke at every contraction, but only to kind of register the pain and then drift back to sleep....oh sleep, how I miss you zzzzzzzzzz
Saturday morning came around and although the contractions were stronger and regular I felt pretty good and positive for the impending birth and getting to finally meet baby Rushwood. I was given more paracetamol and codeine and was eventually assessed by a student midwife AND her mentor - it's true, you loose all dignity when giving birth, I didn't care one bit who had a look or feel - and was told I was 6/7cm dilated so I was definitely in active labour and could move to the birth centre, hoorah!
Off I waddled to the birth centre and I'd got the room with the pool (purely by luck) so that was busy being filled whilst the gas & air was explained to me. No one asked to read my birth plan - not that I was bothered as it basically said "I'll go with the flow" - and the midwife explained that on the birth centre they just keep you well fed and leave you to it. So I got in the pool and was left to it.
That's when I started to feel like I wasn't in control any more. The pool wasn't helping with the pain and the gas & air started to make me feel dizzy and sick and the midwife was just sat in the corner of the room. I felt like I needed a wee, but couldn't (sorry if too much information, but it's only going to get worse from this point in!) so I assumed that maybe that was how it felt when I was ready to push. I had no clue, I hadn't done it before!
The midwife examined me and said that she thought I was only 5cm dilated, so that I'd gone backwards from the 6/7cm I had been that morning. In the back of my head I was saying "WHAT THE FUCK, that's not possible" but I didn't verbalise that, I should have done in hindsight. Anyway, because of that and the dizziness from the gas & air the midwife asked if I wanted to move to the delivery suite as there I could be assessed by a Dr and I'd have more pain relief options available. I agreed to move as the birth centre just wasn't working for me, I didn't feel supported/safe enough and the idea that there would be Dr's and monitors was reassuring to me.
Off I waddled, past a group of mum's to be having a tour, down to the delivery suite.
The delivery suite looked much more like I'd expected it all to look, proper hospital bed, monitors, lights, a Dr in a white coat. Much better, much safer, much happier Zoe. The new midwife that I was handed over to examined me, I've no idea by this point who hadn't had a look! She took one feel and asked if I needed a wee, I did feel like I needed a wee but nothing came out! So the Dr had a feel and decided I had a full bladder and they would do an in/out catheter. Sounds horrible, it wasn't pleasant and if I had any dignity left that was the point it all went out the window, but oh the relief when it was done. The contractions didn't seem to hurt quite as much and I finally felt empty (if you know what I mean), from memory they got 600ml out so no wonder I wasn't feeling too comfortable. They decided that baby was back to back and that their head wasn't fully flexed, hence it had been pressing on my bladder at a funny angle which had stopped me being able to wee.
By now it was Saturday afternoon and the Dr decided that they would burst my waters to try and move things along a bit faster. OMG the amount of liquid that comes out is unbelievable, it feels like gallons and it keeps on coming out when you move too, very strange feeling.
When I moved down to delivery suite the Dr had asked me about pain relief, all I could say was that I couldn't continue with just gas & air as it wasn't doing anything to ease the pain never mind the dizziness, plus I was exhausted. Basically I'd agreed to an epidural. It was one of the things that I had been adamant that I didn't want to have, that and a c-section, unless obviously it was needed in an emergency. So I felt like I was failing, myself, my baby and strong natural birthing mothers everywhere. Ridiculous, I know, but even now when I think back about it I wish that I'd had the strength of mind to calm myself down and ask what other options were available to me, I know I wouldn't have agreed to an epidural quite so easily if I'd had other options to try first. Hindsight and not being in excruciating pain are wonderful things.
I cried as the midwife held me steady and the anaesthetist put the epidural in, the tears were because I felt I was failing myself, this wasn't how it was supposed to go, this wasn't what I'd planned or wanted, I felt like I was cheating and in my mind I was. The anaesthetist explained the boost button to me, I knew I wasn't going to use it, I was already cheating I wasn't going to numb my body even more. I had a hormone drip, fluids and had a catheter put in and I was hooked up to constant monitoring for baby's heart rate, I looked and felt like a pin cushion.
The boost button went unused and luckily the epidural only took on my right hand side so on my left I could still feel the pain and contractions. Yes, I know, weird way to feel lucky but I was so pleased I could still feel what was going on and know what my body was doing, I didn't feel like a complete fraud. The downside was that it took so well on my right hand side my right leg went completely dead, I couldn't feel it at all it was literally a dead weight, I had to use my arms to lift and move it or the midwife had to help me!
At around midnight on Saturday the midwives became concerned about baby's heart rate dropping when I had a contraction, so they consulted Drs and decided to do fetal blood monitoring.
*Sorry but it's going to get a bit TMI again now so stop reading if you don't want to know*
The midwives helped me onto my side and hoisted my dead right leg up into a stirrup, I then had 2 Drs (1 a trainee) basically poking a long sharp thing up inside me to scratch baby's head and take a blood sample from her to test blood oxygen levels. They needed 3 blood samples and the trainee Dr just didn't seem able to get them so the other Dr took over and got them at her first try. I however was laid silently crying as I was petrified that the test would show baby's blood oxygen levels were low, that they were in danger of brain damage or even worse and that I'd have to be rushed off for an emergency c-section. I have never been so scared in my entire life.
Thankfully the test results came back fine and I was allowed to continue as I was, although they increased the hormone drip to help my contractions and hopefully speed up the dilation so I could deliver baby sooner rather than later.
The Dr was back at about 1.30am on the Sunday to repeat the fetal blood monitoring, again the tests came back fine but I was now fully dilated. Hoorah! As baby was obviously in a little distress, the reduced heart rate during contractions and some meconium in my waters, the Dr said she would give me 30 mins to have a go at pushing baby out by myself, before they would step in and help.
It turned into about 10 mins to have a go myself as an emergency had come in and the Dr needed to help me first but also needed to go to surgery with the other patient asap. So the word forceps was said and then "I'm just going to do a small cut", I just nodded my acceptance. The episiotomy was painless as it was done on my right hand side which I couldn't feel, thankfully! Once the forceps were in place it felt a bit like a tug of war, the Dr certainly wasn't messing around, I felt like she was going to pull me off the bed. I was also aware that the room had filled with even more medical staff, including a paediatric Dr and a incubator I was trying to ignore her and I was told she was only there "just in case" which I know is a good thing, I'd want her there should anything be wrong but I didn't want to think about that possibility.
Once baby's head had been delivered it became clear why the heart rate had been dropping as the umbilical cord was round the neck, twice. Waiting for the next contraction to finally push baby into the world felt like it took forever but when it did come I pushed and that was it, baby was here!
The Dr lifted her onto my chest and went back to sorting me out, I was yet again in tears (of happiness) but still didn't know if we had a boy or girl. It was my OH who had a look and said we had a baby girl.
I hadn't noticed, but the room had cleared of medical staff, the incubator and paediatric Dr had gone so had the extra midwives and Dr's. The Dr was just delivering the placenta and sewing me up, all done very quickly and I barely noticed as I had our beautiful much longed for daughter in my arms. She was fine, I was fine, nothing else mattered the world contracted to just that room and that moment.
Terrifying. Excruciating. Traumatic
Incredible. Breathtaking. Wonderful
12.6.16, 02.37am, 8lb 7oz, Skye Juno
