http://selfiemadewoman.tumblr.com/post/128495508205/starting-again
Before I met my current partner and became a Stepmother, I was married. Yes, hence the inspiration from Karen.
Met in 2007, engaged 2010, married 2012, split (officially) 2013, decree absolute 07.07.2014.
What happened? Looking back now I know that I should never have married him in the first place. Life was coasting along fine, but that was it, coasting. We'd been together for 3 years before we got engaged, bought a house together, getting married and planing babies is just what you did next, isn't it? So that's what we did.
I was so caught up in the actual getting married bit, having my big day, huge white dress, flowers, guests, presents, all of it and more. I did have it all, but in the madness and excitement of planning it all I'd forgotten to actually think about who I was marrying and if he was the right man.
He wasn't.
There are lots of reasons why it wasn't right, but the final tipping point, the one that made my mind up that it was all wrong and there was no point in fighting, was when he accused me of changing and not being the same person anymore. Ask my friends, I've never changed, I've always been plain talking, ordinary, normal, average Zoe, just me. The worst part was him telling me he didn't like my home (Yorkshire), would never go there again and tried to blame me changing on my youngest brother being ill. In that moment I could have punched him. Hard (I didn't). Do NOT mess with my family or Yorkshire, I would kill for both, I love them more than anything.
This particular argument happened in Oct 2012, only 4 months into married life. Well done me I thought, done a great job here. How the hell do I clear this mess up? How do I get out? I was more worried about telling my Mum than anything else - she was fine once she knew this was what was right for me, obviously.
I went out with friends lots, worked late and drank lots, anything to avoid being in the same place as him, never mind the same house. I moved into the spare room with the cat.
There were lots of tears, behind closed doors, there were very few people that knew. I guess I was ashamed of being a failure (what I perceived to be a failure), crying over the mess and the wasted years rather than being upset over the end of the relationship.
Now I wish that I'd never said yes in the first place. But he proposed underneath the Eiffel Tower, on my birthday, with a Tiffany ring, what girl would say no?! I guess, also that I would have been worried about being a failure at that point too. Just a shame I wasted my dream dress and all that money on the wrong man.
I also wish I'd squeezed my Dad's hand as he walked me down the aisle, he'd told me on the way to the venue "If you change your mind, just squeeze my hand, we'll turn and run!" I knew he wasn't being serious, but I also know if I'd squeezed he would have run with me. It goes without saying that my Dad has been amazing throughout, never judging or questioning me, just being there and supporting me. He even offered to bring concrete wellies when he and my youngest brother came to help move my ex out.
However, I agree with Karen, if you're unhappy, leave. This life only comes along once and you're only here to make yourself happy, not everyone else, not to save face and do what is expected.
It's not easy, I know that. I was lucky to have such a good support network of friends close by who provided nights out, booze, listening, laughter and hugs. Also that my family just accepted it, not that I should have ever expected anything less from them. My middle brother made my cry when I told him (via text, I'm a wimp) as his reply was "As long as you're ok Sis" from that point I knew that I would be ok and that I'd come out the other side and still be me.
364 days after I got married my (now ex) husband moved out.
365 days after I got married my new partner moved in and I became a Stepmother.
Shit happens, but life moves on. Do whatever you need to do to be happy, sod what anyone thinks of you.
Z x
