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Anxiety, lots of people suffer from it in varying degrees and I'm one of them. If you know me you may well be surprised, I'm not an anxious person in general, I tend to go with a "fuck it, lets do it" attitude to most things and always follow my heart not my head! I'm also a very logical person and strongly believe in science and maths, factual based anything really, no mumbo jumbo, religion or fairy stories.
For the reasons above I struggle with my anxiety as I know it's not logical, not that I'm saying it's made up, I know it's not. But it is all in my head and because of that I should be able to deal with it, talk myself out of it, make myself better.
So far I've avoided even saying what my anxiety is, that's how stupid it sounds to me, it's a struggle to even tell anyone as, in my head, it's completely ridiculous!
Driving.
My anxiety is about driving. I can drive, I've held my licence for 14 years, I've never had a crash, not even as much as a bump. A tyre once blew up and almost rolled my car, but that's not when the anxiety started, my car breaking on me doesn't even enter my head.
Stupid, isn't it.
Anyway, this has been bugging me and only getting worse so I took the step last week to see a counsellor, it felt like a massive step to me as I'd have to actually tell someone! They'd laugh and think me a fool, tell their mates down the pub so they could laugh too, maybe shout it out the window so people on the street could laugh too. None of this happened, obviously.
He actually said it's really common anxiety to have and that the main thing I had to do was accept it, not try to figure it out or fight it. That once I accept it, then I can start to move on and improve it. So here I am blogging about it, to try and accept it, to stop hiding it and thinking I'm a freak because of it.
My anxiety stems from me starting to have dizzy spells - some years ago - which despite GP visits and all sorts of tests and monitors being fitted to me there was no explanation for. They were just "one of those things" and it was nothing to worry about. But it has happened a few times when I've been driving and it started to worry me, I could have a dizzy spell and loose control or pass out and crash injuring myself or others, or worse. From this I started to worry about having a dizzy spell when driving, which started to make me feel anxious, breathe shallower, faster, make my heart race. Basically making myself feel like I was going to have a dizzy spell and pass out, stupid, yes? I know!
I worried most on fast, busy roads, motorways, where I couldn't just pull over and stop. I've actually been in tears whilst driving, just through my own thoughts/anxiety around this, totally freaking out making myself dizzy and thinking I'm the only one like this! So slowly I've just stopped driving on motorways. Stopped driving much at all really, I don't need to drive on a daily basis so why put myself through the trauma? I know this is actually counter productive and is making my anxiety worse but I can't help it! The counsellor told me I'm not alone and he has seen 100's of people with similar anxiety issues. Made me feel slightly better, although he may have been lying.
He also asked me if I enjoyed driving. I don't, I never have really. It was a necessity to learn since I lived in the middle of nowhere. Now it's a necessity so I can get back to that middle of nowhere. Put me in my car on the roads in that middle of nowhere and I'm quite happy, I'll throw my car round the winding little roads like I'm in a rally. Plus I know I can just pull over and stop and ring my Dad to come rescue me if I need to!
I've never been a confident driver either and this was eroded more by my ex husband who would comment and question my driving at every opportunity even though he couldn't drive himself! My partner now is a very confident, quite aggressive driver and terrible passenger, which does nothing for my confidence in my own skills. Although really I know that I'm a perfectly good and safe driver. Talking of passengers, this makes my anxiety 100 times worse as I'm responsible for their safety as well as my own! Never ask me for a lift.
However, I have bought a new battery for my car (which is awaiting help from my ever suffering Dad to fit it) so I can get Erika (yes, my car has a name) back on the road and start to take myself out again, start to build my confidence and take some little steps back to being what I perceive to be "normal". Maybe one day I'll get myself back on the motorway and not have to take some ridiculous winding way back to that middle of nowhere, or maybe I'll just carry on with my scenic route and stop beating myself up about it. That would be a start.
Z x
