This week my stepkids are on holiday with their Mum, a whole week, 7 whole days and 7 whole nights, and even though I'll be at work it feels like a holiday for me too*
*cue gasps of horror and evil stepmother comments....
I know, it's terrible of me to think and feel like this, I should be missing them as much as my partner is and wishing the week away until they are back, right?
Wrong.
I'm sorry for my partner, I know he will miss them terribly and, at points, I will miss them too but on the whole I will just feel free for the week. Free to just be me and to just be a regular normal couple with my partner, with no worries about homework, hair washing, arguments, school runs or ways to entertain kids. As, at the end of the day, they are not my kids but I do, I think, invest a lot of myself in them and sometimes I just need a break from it.
I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking what a evil stepmother I am, but if you know me then you will know I'm not. If you stop and think for a minute, if you are a parent, sometimes even you want a break, you want your kids just to not be there for a little while. Don't you? Well think about if they weren't your kids? Would you not have those feelings, probably magnified?
I know the answer, not that many of you will admit it.
I also have something else to let me have that space when the kids are with us and that is one room in the house that is a child free zone, at all times. I don't think you will understand unless you're a stepparent yourself, but that space is my safe zone. If I've had a bad day or if kids are just too much for me and I need half an hour, I can escape and chill out. Much better than me taking out any stress on my partner or with a chocolate binge or wine or worst of all, taking it out on the kids.
You see, me having this space and this week isn't really me being a selfish, evil stepmother, it's about me being the best stepmother I can be. Without it I don't think I could do everything else.
And breathe..............
Sunday 12 April 2015
Wednesday 1 April 2015
#OneBorn
Tuesday night means One Born Every Minute is on the TV, I've watched it since it started, a kind of morbid fascination I guess. I've always wanted children ever since I can remember so I guess I wanted to be armed with as much knowledge as possible about the realities of child birth from more sources than just friends and family horror stories.
So it's on the TV in our house whenever it's on.
I've always cried too, not every episode, not every time, but since becoming a stepmother the crying at #OneBorn has become more regular. It's the joy on the parents faces that does it, not the cute little baby. More often than not they do not look cute, they are covered in blood and gloop and slime and poop, certainly not cute. Just that sheer joy that I have not yet experienced myself but have always longed for, at the right time, with the right man, when we have a house, when we have enough money, when we're ready.....always an excuse.
To be honest I was glad of the excuses a couple of years ago, the excuse then was I wanted to wait until after I was married, not because of any religious reason or it being the "right thing to do", but because I didn't want to be fat in my wedding dress! The wedding went ahead, all was fine, but not for long............long story and maybe for another blog, but 1 day before our 1st wedding anniversary my now ex-husband moved out.
I was glad there was no baby.
Anyway, last night was certainly a crying night at #OneBorn. The show had made me feel teary anyway, stupid woman hormones, but then my other half made a comment about one of the women on the show, how she should be on her hands and knees, it's easier that way, that's what the midwives said when his daughter was born. It was a nothing throw away comment, that wasn't meant against the woman on the show and certainly not me. However it reminded me that he has kids, with someone that isn't me.
My brain went into overdrive (those pesky woman hormones again) and had me thinking about the joy he and his ex wife must have shared at the birth of their 3 children, although I know full well he's 1,000,000% committed and in love with me now, not her. It also made me sad that I haven't shared that joy, that feeling, with him, that I can't give him his first child or his first daughter nor his first son. That maybe if we do have a child it somehow won't be as special for him as it would be for me.
I know (the morning after) it's all in my head and that it would be as special for him, that we would have that feeling and that moment together, but last night, for just for a moment, I wished that his ex wife and kids just didn't exist. That it was just me and him and we could enjoy that journey for the first time together, that I wouldn't have to share it with anyone else.
And I cried silent tears.
Z x
So it's on the TV in our house whenever it's on.
I've always cried too, not every episode, not every time, but since becoming a stepmother the crying at #OneBorn has become more regular. It's the joy on the parents faces that does it, not the cute little baby. More often than not they do not look cute, they are covered in blood and gloop and slime and poop, certainly not cute. Just that sheer joy that I have not yet experienced myself but have always longed for, at the right time, with the right man, when we have a house, when we have enough money, when we're ready.....always an excuse.
To be honest I was glad of the excuses a couple of years ago, the excuse then was I wanted to wait until after I was married, not because of any religious reason or it being the "right thing to do", but because I didn't want to be fat in my wedding dress! The wedding went ahead, all was fine, but not for long............long story and maybe for another blog, but 1 day before our 1st wedding anniversary my now ex-husband moved out.
I was glad there was no baby.
Anyway, last night was certainly a crying night at #OneBorn. The show had made me feel teary anyway, stupid woman hormones, but then my other half made a comment about one of the women on the show, how she should be on her hands and knees, it's easier that way, that's what the midwives said when his daughter was born. It was a nothing throw away comment, that wasn't meant against the woman on the show and certainly not me. However it reminded me that he has kids, with someone that isn't me.
My brain went into overdrive (those pesky woman hormones again) and had me thinking about the joy he and his ex wife must have shared at the birth of their 3 children, although I know full well he's 1,000,000% committed and in love with me now, not her. It also made me sad that I haven't shared that joy, that feeling, with him, that I can't give him his first child or his first daughter nor his first son. That maybe if we do have a child it somehow won't be as special for him as it would be for me.
I know (the morning after) it's all in my head and that it would be as special for him, that we would have that feeling and that moment together, but last night, for just for a moment, I wished that his ex wife and kids just didn't exist. That it was just me and him and we could enjoy that journey for the first time together, that I wouldn't have to share it with anyone else.
And I cried silent tears.
Z x
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