Recently I've been thinking about the roles of Stepmums and Stepdads, the differences between them, the expectations made of them and who exactly puts those expectations in place.
As a Stepmum I feel an immense amount of pressure to preform, for my stepkids, for my partner and for the public perception made of me.
I genuinely like my stepkids (most of the time) and I want the best for them. I put a lot of effort into helping with homework, answering endless questions, trying to put together fun activities (baking & arty things are my favorite), soothing tears and encouraging hair washing, teeth brushing and hand washing. I do this because I want them to grow into respectable, responsible, self sufficient, confident adults. I want the best for them and for them to make the best of themselves.
I told my partner right from before I met the kids that I would always try to treat them as my own and that's what I do. Although I guess it's not really possible as I don't actually have any of my own so have no idea how I'd treat them if I did!
But the pressure I feel to do all of the above is real, I'm just not sure it's coming from inside myself, from my partner wanting us to be a "family" or if it's from the outside world's preception that I should be maternal towards my stepkids and act as "Mum" to them when they are with me.
I think it's a mixture of all 3 if I'm honest.
However I don't see the same public perception made of Stepdad's or pressure put upon them to perform. I don't think they are expected to be paternal towards stepkids, just to generally help out and be around when needed, nothing more involved.
I'm not saying that Stepdad's are detached from their stepkids lives, just that they aren't expected by the general public to be "Dad" to them when their real Dad isn't around.
Maybe it's a female thing, maybe it's just a Zoe thing, but I feel that the perception and pressure is there and is real, that I am expected to be "Mum" to my stepkids, that I should be maternal and loving. Everyone seems to forget that I'm not "Mum", that I don't have the soft, fluffy, happy memories of pregnancy and early years to get me through screaming tantrums and arguments.
I'm obviously not talking about the entire general public here, lots of people do understand, including my partner.
Do I think being a Stepdad is easier than being a Stepmum? No, just different. Different expectations are placed on us just as they are on real Mum's and Dad's. I'm also sure there are lots of Stepdad's out there doing an amazing job of being "Dad" when Dad isn't there.
But I guess this was the point of this blog, to prove that Stepmum's aren't evil, we're just human and trying to do our best, just like everyone else.
Z x
