So it's on the TV in our house whenever it's on.
I've always cried too, not every episode, not every time, but since becoming a stepmother the crying at #OneBorn has become more regular. It's the joy on the parents faces that does it, not the cute little baby. More often than not they do not look cute, they are covered in blood and gloop and slime and poop, certainly not cute. Just that sheer joy that I have not yet experienced myself but have always longed for, at the right time, with the right man, when we have a house, when we have enough money, when we're ready.....always an excuse.
To be honest I was glad of the excuses a couple of years ago, the excuse then was I wanted to wait until after I was married, not because of any religious reason or it being the "right thing to do", but because I didn't want to be fat in my wedding dress! The wedding went ahead, all was fine, but not for long............long story and maybe for another blog, but 1 day before our 1st wedding anniversary my now ex-husband moved out.
I was glad there was no baby.
Anyway, last night was certainly a crying night at #OneBorn. The show had made me feel teary anyway, stupid woman hormones, but then my other half made a comment about one of the women on the show, how she should be on her hands and knees, it's easier that way, that's what the midwives said when his daughter was born. It was a nothing throw away comment, that wasn't meant against the woman on the show and certainly not me. However it reminded me that he has kids, with someone that isn't me.
My brain went into overdrive (those pesky woman hormones again) and had me thinking about the joy he and his ex wife must have shared at the birth of their 3 children, although I know full well he's 1,000,000% committed and in love with me now, not her. It also made me sad that I haven't shared that joy, that feeling, with him, that I can't give him his first child or his first daughter nor his first son. That maybe if we do have a child it somehow won't be as special for him as it would be for me.
I know (the morning after) it's all in my head and that it would be as special for him, that we would have that feeling and that moment together, but last night, for just for a moment, I wished that his ex wife and kids just didn't exist. That it was just me and him and we could enjoy that journey for the first time together, that I wouldn't have to share it with anyone else.
And I cried silent tears.
Z x
Hey sweetie, have hugs. I cant watch anything like that either as it gets to me too. Not being able to have children I find the joy on the parents faces too much to handle. Sending you much love, Gromit xoxox
ReplyDeleteThank you Carolynne x also thank you for being my first ever blog comment!
DeleteI hope those silent tears didn't last long x I'll tell you now that EVERY birth is special! My husband is Stepfather to my son but the birth of my two daughters were just as special for me as for him even though I'd been through a pregnancy and birth before .......I promise x. This is because the baby is part of you, regardless of the order they came and it's an amazing event. When you do have your children you will understand as you will be in awe at every birth you go though be it number 1 or number 4 (ooooo 4 kids lol) Zoe this will also be true for him as they will also be his children, brand new versions of you and him and EVERY birth will be special because no birth is the same and a new creation with a unique personality lies at the end of each experience. His previous experience will not be more joyful than new birth experiences because it's impossible to be more or less joyous when seeing a new face after hours of labour, each experience is amazing x Finally the benefits of him having children is that unlike a new first time dad, he may be less frightened and more likely to be of some use during and after the birth!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Maria. I think I worry most about being compared. x
DeleteIt's so so great to hear your comments and to read your writing Zoe. I came across this blog while sitting in my room searching for some source of solace and you worded all my thoughts for me.
ReplyDeleteIt's so so great to hear your comments and to read your writing Zoe. I came across this blog while sitting in my room searching for some source of solace and you worded all my thoughts for me.
ReplyDeleteHi Kirsty
DeleteI just type what's in my head, blunt and straight forward is generally what I do. I hope you're feeling a bit better about everything now? I'm on all the usual social media places as Zowrr if you ever want to chat/vent/rant xx