Lucy the bump

I've had a baby! I could not be happier, she is a perfect bundle of soft, gorgeous loveliness. However this post is about my pregnancy, I'll get on to birth and the immediate aftermath in another post along with one about actually being a real Mummy another day.

One day, sat in a staff briefing about a department restructure I got a migraine with an aura. Migraines were a regular occurrence (I've not had one since though and long may that continue) but not with an aura. In the moment that I popped my ever faithful pink migraleve tablets I wondered if it was due to me, maybe, being pregnant. I didn't do a test for another week or so, but I was indeed pregnant, it was the best reason for having a migraine I've ever had, although I can think of no other good reason to have one to be honest.

I was both elated and terrified in the same moment, I've known forever that I wanted children but who isn't at least a little terrified of bringing a new life into this less than perfect world? Another small problem was that I was hoping for a promotion at work and I didn't want to give them any reason to put a black mark against my name. I know, you can't discriminate, blah blah blah, but (sorry PC brigade) if I had two almost identical candidates but one was pregnant......well, I know who I'd choose.

The other issue that I struggled with was telling my stepchildren, it wasn't that I didn't want them to know, but I didn't want my other half's ex to know. It was nice to have something that just belonged to us two for a short time. Also, this was my first pregnancy, but wasn't for my other half, it made me sad that we weren't sharing it as a "first" for us both.

We told very close family and friends, but otherwise kept it quiet. I was lucky that I stayed small, for a long time you couldn't tell, unless you knew. The recruitment process at work was painfully slow but I desperately wanted the promotion, not for the money, I truly loved the job and I just couldn't let anything stop me getting it. When I was finally offered the job I let out the breath I'd been holding for 24 weeks and told my boss. He was over the moon for me, as was his boss, and it wasn't an issue in the slightest. Yes, they are pretty awesome and I probably shouldn't have worried, but I did.

We told the stepkids on Christmas Day, I thought it may soften any shock for them if they had shiny new things to be distracted by when we told them. They were all fine about it, with the youngest only being worried about not knowing how to be a big brother. On Mothers Day, whilst I was up a ladder painting the nursery, I had a text from my stepdaughter "Happy first real Mothers Day" which was totally unexpected and made my day.

My pregnancy went smoothly, at each check up and scan we were told everything was normal. I enjoyed my growing bump, although found being slowed down slightly annoying, but feeling wiggles and kicks more than made up for that and the 100's of times I needed the loo! The bump was known as Lucy, when my youngest brother was born I remember my Dad calling from the hospital and me asking him if we could call him Lucy, so what else could I have called my bump! If you follow me on any form of social media you would have seen weekly updates of my growing belly too, sorry for all the spam, which has now of course turned into baby spam!

I adored preparing the nursery and buying all the things we needed, I'd waited my entire life to be able to do it. I really struggled at points to share it all with my stepchildren and I honestly tried my best to do so, but when the youngest "tried out the cot to see how comfy it was" I cried myself to sleep. It probably sounds stupid to most of you, but to me it felt like I couldn't have anything that was just our child's, that it would always have to be shared.

Even my other half's ex was fine, at one point she even practically asked to touch my bump. The answer was no, sorry that's just a bit too weird for me. We get on fine, but we're not mates and I even had an issue with most of my mates wanting to touch, never mind my other half's ex wife! I sometimes had to stop myself from moving away when my stepchildren wanted to touch, not because I wanted exclude them, but because they were an ever present reminder that this wasn't a "first" with my partner and that always left me a little sad and still does.

I was loving my new job and decided to work right up to the last minute, well 10 days before my due date. My work colleagues looked after me brilliantly, forever stopping me from doing too much and making me cups of tea! But I think they all breathed a sigh of relief when I finally finished without giving birth in the office, I'll be back before they've had chance to miss me though.

If looks could kill.....

If looks could kill, everyone I've even so much as glanced at today would be dead.

I'm not quite sure what caused this mood, everything and nothing I guess is the answer - yes, us women are impossible to understand! I'm mainly blaming it on a cold I've got, the disrupted sleep last night and probably some of those pesky woman hormones. Mostly the sleep thing tho, if I'm either hungry or tired woe betide anyone who crosses my path, just give me food, a brew and a bed and retreat to a safe distance.

Because of this mood I am also particularly annoyed with, well, everything. I shall list it all...
The kids for shouting, screeching and walking round the house like a herd of elephants this morning when all I wanted to do was sleep.
Every room in the house needs tidying and hoovering.
There are coco-pops across the living room floor.
The bathrooms need cleaning.
The beds all need to be stripped.
I haven't phoned my Gran for 2 weeks.
There is a never ending pile of washing.
My car is dead.
The garden needs weeding.
I haven't been home for too long.
The kitchen needs putting back together.
I had to play Nitty Nora the nit nurse this morning to my stepsons who both seemed to have been very successful at breeding the horrible little things.
The stepkids Mum for not dealing with the nit infestation herself, apparently not even noticing it.

Oh and myself, very annoyed with myself for being annoyed with all of the above because I shouldn't worry about it all, but I do.

Basically the only thing I'm not annoyed with is the cat, who is sat with me on the bed as I write this.

However I look at this list and have no motivation to do very much of any of it - I've stripped our bed and will hoover the living room later, that may be about it. Which makes me even more annoyed with myself especially as it's Monday tomorrow and I know I'll be pissed off with myself for wasting my Sunday by being in a mood! I don't even want to phone my Gran in case she can sense my mood over the phone which will make her worry about me.

ARGH!

I just want to curl up and cry, about nothing and everything, about just not feeling strong enough to do it all today.

I walked round Tesco earlier and had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying.

I'm crying now.

I will force myself to do some stuff off this list to stop myself from crying.

Sometime though I just have these days, hopefully some of you reading this have them too and it's not just me that needs sectioning.

I'll be fine tomorrow, I always am, but just now I'd just like to run away from the world.

Z x