Love Actually?

It's been a while since I've blogged, life has been busy, but I've had this post forming in my head for a while, so here I am.

Love, it's a funny thing and something which is supposedly unconditional when it comes to your children, but what if the children aren't yours?

As I said in my last post, I told my other half right from the start that I would try and treat his kids as if they were my own. Did I mean love them as if they were my own too? I don't know. I do treat them in every other way as if they were my own, as much as I can.

Sometimes it all just gets too much and I have to escape and find some time for myself. At these times I try to remind myself that every biological parent feels like this at points, I shouldn't be telling myself to do better than them! Think about it, do your kids piss you off sometimes? Yes? Well guess what sometimes my stepkids piss me off too, surely that's no surprise.

But do I love them?
Yes, I do.

Do I love them as my own?
How on earth would I know that? I don't have any of my own to compare the feeling against. So I can only go with my heart (I always follow it) and say. No. But then again, how can I? They're not my own. Sometimes they do something that reminds me of me when I was a kid and I have to remind myself that they can't be like me. They're not part of me.

This doesn't mean I can float through this minefield of stepparenthood on a cloud of love and rose tinted glasses? No. I don't have those, they are reserved for biological parents, not stepparents. I struggle instead and try to tread the fine line and some days I want to scream and run away.

But on the whole, on a good day, I love them, actually.

Z x

Stepmum vs Stepdad

Recently I've been thinking about the roles of Stepmums and Stepdads, the differences between them, the expectations made of them and who exactly puts those expectations in place.

As a Stepmum I feel an immense amount of pressure to preform, for my stepkids, for my partner and for the public perception made of me.

I genuinely like my stepkids (most of the time) and I want the best for them. I put a lot of effort into helping with homework, answering endless questions, trying to put together fun activities (baking & arty things are my favorite), soothing tears and encouraging hair washing, teeth brushing and hand washing. I do this because I want them to grow into respectable, responsible, self sufficient, confident adults. I want the best for them and for them to make the best of themselves.

I told my partner right from before I met the kids that I would always try to treat them as my own and that's what I do. Although I guess it's not really possible as I don't actually have any of my own so have no idea how I'd treat them if I did!

But the pressure I feel to do all of the above is real, I'm just not sure it's coming from inside myself, from my partner wanting us to be a "family" or if it's from the outside world's preception that I should be maternal towards my stepkids and act as "Mum" to them when they are with me.

I think it's a mixture of all 3 if I'm honest.

However I don't see the same public perception made of Stepdad's or pressure put upon them to perform. I don't think they are expected to be paternal towards stepkids, just to generally help out and be around when needed, nothing more involved.

I'm not saying that Stepdad's are detached from their stepkids lives, just that they aren't expected by the general public to be "Dad" to them when their real Dad isn't around.

Maybe it's a female thing, maybe it's just a Zoe thing, but I feel that the perception and pressure is there and is real, that I am expected to be "Mum" to my stepkids, that I should be maternal and loving. Everyone seems to forget that I'm not "Mum", that I don't have the soft, fluffy, happy memories of pregnancy and early years to get me through screaming tantrums and arguments.

I'm obviously not talking about the entire general public here, lots of people do understand, including my partner.

Do I think being a Stepdad is easier than being a Stepmum? No, just different. Different expectations are placed on us just as they are on real Mum's and Dad's. I'm also sure there are lots of Stepdad's out there doing an amazing job of being "Dad" when Dad isn't there.
 
But I guess this was the point of this blog, to prove that Stepmum's aren't evil, we're just human and trying to do our best, just like everyone else.

Z x

Space to breathe

This week my stepkids are on holiday with their Mum, a whole week, 7 whole days and 7 whole nights, and even though I'll be at work it feels like a holiday for me too*

*cue gasps of horror and evil stepmother comments....

I know, it's terrible of me to think and feel like this, I should be missing them as much as my partner is and wishing the week away until they are back, right?

Wrong.

I'm sorry for my partner, I know he will miss them terribly and, at points, I will miss them too but on the whole I will just feel free for the week. Free to just be me and to just be a regular normal couple with my partner, with no worries about homework, hair washing, arguments, school runs or ways to entertain kids. As, at the end of the day, they are not my kids but I do, I think, invest a lot of myself in them and sometimes I just need a break from it.

I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking what a evil stepmother I am, but if you know me then you will know I'm not. If you stop and think for a minute, if you are a parent, sometimes even you want a break, you want your kids just to not be there for a little while. Don't you? Well think about if they weren't your kids? Would you not have those feelings, probably magnified?

I know the answer, not that many of you will admit it.

I also have something else to let me have that space when the kids are with us and that is one room in the house that is a child free zone, at all times. I don't think you will understand unless you're a stepparent yourself, but that space is my safe zone. If I've had a bad day or if kids are just too much for me and I need half an hour, I can escape and chill out. Much better than me taking out any stress on my partner or with a chocolate binge or wine or worst of all, taking it out on the kids.

You see, me having this space and this week isn't really me being a selfish, evil stepmother, it's about me being the best stepmother I can be. Without it I don't think I could do everything else.

And breathe..............

#OneBorn

Tuesday night means One Born Every Minute is on the TV, I've watched it since it started, a kind of morbid fascination I guess. I've always wanted children ever since I can remember so I guess I wanted to be armed with as much knowledge as possible about the realities of child birth from more sources than just friends and family horror stories.

So it's on the TV in our house whenever it's on.

I've always cried too, not every episode, not every time, but since becoming a stepmother the crying at #OneBorn has become more regular. It's the joy on the parents faces that does it, not the cute little baby. More often than not they do not look cute, they are covered in blood and gloop and slime and poop, certainly not cute. Just that sheer joy that I have not yet experienced myself but have always longed for, at the right time, with the right man, when we have a house, when we have enough money, when we're ready.....always an excuse.

To be honest I was glad of the excuses a couple of years ago, the excuse then was I wanted to wait until after I was married, not because of any religious reason or it being the "right thing to do", but because I didn't want to be fat in my wedding dress! The wedding went ahead, all was fine, but not for long............long story and maybe for another blog, but 1 day before our 1st wedding anniversary my now ex-husband moved out.

I was glad there was no baby.

Anyway, last night was certainly a crying night at #OneBorn. The show had made me feel teary anyway, stupid woman hormones, but then my other half made a comment about one of the women on the show, how she should be on her hands and knees, it's easier that way, that's what the midwives said when his daughter was born. It was a nothing throw away comment, that wasn't meant against the woman on the show and certainly not me. However it reminded me that he has kids, with someone that isn't me.

My brain went into overdrive (those pesky woman hormones again) and had me thinking about the joy he and his ex wife must have shared at the birth of their 3 children, although I know full well he's 1,000,000% committed and in love with me now, not her. It also made me sad that I haven't shared that joy, that feeling, with him, that I can't give him his first child or his first daughter nor his first son. That maybe if we do have a child it somehow won't be as special for him as it would be for me.

I know (the morning after) it's all in my head and that it would be as special for him, that we would have that feeling and that moment together, but last night, for just for a moment, I wished that his ex wife and kids just didn't exist. That it was just me and him and we could enjoy that journey for the first time together, that I wouldn't have to share it with anyone else.

And I cried silent tears.

Z x

Definition of a StepMother

So, I find myself as a StepMother, something which I don't think any little girl plans to be when she grows up, it certainly wasn't part of my life plan anyway!

This blog has come about as I feel that StepMothers are usually cast as evil and generally bad exmples, poor role models and nowhere near anything like an extra parent, for their poor, mistreated stepchildren and only interested in themselves and their partners, the stepchildren being a mere inconvenience. I wanted to put across the point of view of a StepMother who is new to all this and trying her damndest to make it work out right for everyone! There will be other blogs, about me as a person and the other aspects of my life, but I thought I'd kick off with the definition of a StepMother.....

1. A bitch that gets a divorce from her husband and moves into your house after your mother dies and screws your dad. she will do anything to buy your love for about a year but then she becomes a total bitch.

2. The woman your father married after your evil, slutty mother threw him out because he refused to become a woman. The stepmother puts up with your spoiled ass and shitty treatment of both her and your father because she actually loves your father, which neither you or your fat, ugly, broke mother ever did. She's hot, educated, willing to work and actually enjoys sex - all things your mother isn't/won't/doesn't. 

Being a stepmother sucks because no matter how much the kids' mother has emotionally abused them, they will always believe her when she tells them you are horrible, and so they treat you like shit, even though you support them financially and don't tell them what shitty little brats they are. 

3. The fattest uglyest stupidest bitch you will ever meet. this woman treats her both blood realated and step children like shit. this woman is unbearable yet her husband wont stand up for his kids and chooses his ugly stupid wife over them.

These are all courtesy of Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=step+mother I chose this as I think it is quite a contemporary source of information and reflects today's internet generation.

1 and 3 are quite obviously the views of stepchildren and, quite possibly, their biological mum's too. Number 2 has to be from a stepmother who, in my opinion, is quite close to the edge.

However 1 and 3, if you ask amongst your friends, are sadly mostly the view that people have of stepmothers. Unfortunately 2 does nothing to dispell the myth either, us stepmothers can be our own worst enemy! Hopefully, through my blog, I will try and prove this view wrong although there are always bad examples in every walk of life and even I have bad days!

Until next time.....

Z x